But further observation revealed something interesting: the things Jill seemed negative about were things that Jared announced or told the team he wanted them to do. And it appeared that other team members shared some of Jill’s doubt or negativity about what Jared told them to do — but Jill was the one who spoke up about doubts most directly.

There really were two sides to this situation — as usual. Jill did come across as oppositional on several occasions, in a way that wasn’t collaborative. But she seemed the most oppositional when Jared got into a “telling” mode, and issued commandments to the team about something they were going to do because he said so.

Jared shared his frustration with me about Jill’s negative approach, and we talked about what could be done. Jill was an effective performer so this was a situation where Jared felt the need to influence and change her behavior.

I shared with Jared three ideas he could use immediately. He did, and as a result Jill became less negative. She became more supportive of Jared’s initiatives, and she made substantial contributions to their success.

Do you have a situation similar to Jared’s? What were the three ideas Jared used to turn this situation around?

1. See yourself as part of a system.

Step outside your immediate situation and see yourself as part of a larger system. You and your management team comprise a system. From that perspective, consider a key principle of systems theory that gives you great power: when you change one element in a system, it forces the other elements of the situation to move and re-align. Jared’s situation was one part of a dynamic on the senior leadership team. It wasn’t just between Jared and Jill – it was a dynamic within the senior team “system”.

2. Change your own behavior, and the others in the system will be required to change. If you have been “telling” people what to do, change your behavior. Start asking them questions about their perspectives. Ask them about the things that are holding them back. And start listening carefully. You’ll find out that you’ll often hear them describe the solution to your problem.

3. Ask one of my favorite “magic questions”.

There are certain questions that have a powerful impact on thinking, that cause a shift of focus and bring forth a new perspective. These questions can un-stick a situation — fast. For Jared, I suggested he ask Jill this magic question: “What would it take for you to support my initiative?” And then I asked Jared to listen carefully to the answer, and to keep listening.

In Jared’s case, he realized that telling his team, and Jill, what he wanted them to do repeatedly wasn’t moving them to agreement. They would go along, as good soldiers, but they weren’t fully supportive, which impacted how well the initiative was going.

Jared decided to change his own behavior, and see how the other elements of the system, his senior team members, would have to change their behavior. He chose to un-stick the team by getting out of his own behavioral rut.

So when Jared started telling his team what he wanted them to do, and started getting the same resistance, mostly through Jill’s negative response, he stopped and changed his own behavior. He asked the team questions about what was bothering them. He listened, and he took notes. And he asked the magic question: “Jill, what would it take for you to support this initiative?” At first, Jill was stumped, and seemed a little distrustful. After all, she did have a behavior pattern of going negative. But when she saw Jared was really interested, she responded with a couple of specifics, things that Jared saw he could, and was willing, to do if it meant having Jill’s full support.

Don’t underestimate the power of seeing your team as a system, and using these three powerful ideas to get the system moving in the right direction.

Every leader has one: that annoying person on your team who frustrates you. The person who rubs you the wrong way with negativity, questions, or viewpoints that seem to challenge you at every turn. As a leader, you have a clear line of sight to the results you want to achieve, and you want your team lined up with you. How can you deal with that frustrating team member who isn’t satisfied or slows you down with negativity or resistance?

Let’s take a closer look at how you increase your own frustration, and then at a few more productive responses that can transform your frustration to satisfaction.

How to be Frustrated

You can increase your frustration many times over. Just do any of the following:

1. Notice everything the frustrating team member says that seems to oppose your point of view. Study her every word and gesture for signs that she will resist doing what you want her to do. When she asks a question about something you want, focus on finding the negativity in that question. Block out anything that signals cooperation, and focus on all the ways she is getting in your way.

2. Take anything he says as a personal attack. When he raises an issue with your ideas, consider it as a personal affront. Defend yourself from this insidious challenge to your intentions and your ability.

3. Recount all of the ways this person frustrates you to several other people, and seek their agreement that this team member is annoying and blocking you. Build your case and watch your frustration mount.

4. Show a friendly exterior to this team member, but avoid much interaction with him. Alternatively, argue for your point whenever this person blocks you. Either way, make sure she knows you are the boss.

How to Turn Frustration to Satisfaction

When you feel frustration with your team member, stop and take a deep breath, then try one of these more productive responses.

1. Reframe this challenge as an opportunity. Step back, and consider that bringing this team member on board is a bigger opportunity for you and the results you want to achieve, than mowing him over to get where you want to go. He has people and resources within his influence, and he can contribute more value to achieve your goals when he’s aligned with you.

2. Get curious. Instead of replaying the same old mind-numbing tapes (“Why is this person out to get me? Why does this always happen to me?), stop and notice the situation curiously. A curious way of reflecting about the situation is asking yourself: “This is interesting. I wonder what’s going on here that I’m not seeing?” Or, “Isn’t this interesting? I wonder how I can move this situation forward productively?”. This kind of curiosity fires up the problem-solving engine in your brain, instead of shutting it down (which is what frustration, anger or disappointment will do).

3. Quit taking it personally. Easy to say, harder to do. Realize that the other person’s behavior comes from his own personality, needs, experiences and understanding. He is trying to get some needs of his own met. By approaching him with curiosity about his needs, instead of taking it personally, you will find out more quickly where perceived resistance is and what to do about it.

4. Take a little time. Leaders have often spent a lot of time working an idea, weighing pros and cons and arriving at a solution. But they forget to share their thought process and give their team time to understand how they got to their final perspective. The most frustrating team member can become supportive if given the chance to ask questions and understand your direction as thoroughly as you do.

5. Ask and listen. Find out what’s behind your team member’s apparent resistance. Stay curious and ask questions about what she needs to go forward and support your idea. Be willing to negotiate where appropriate. Being willing to be influenced will make you more influential in the long run.

6. Finally, remember the old adage about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. By engaging constructively and curiously with the frustrating team member, you can actually turn his perceived resistance into support — and turn someone you thought was being your enemy into an aligned team member.

For the past 20 years, leadership effectiveness expert Leslie I. Hilton has been helping leaders get better results, faster. To learn more about Leslie and the services she offers, visit her website,http://www.successpartner.com.